Beyond the Divorce Debate
"It was easier to write my book, The Divorce Myth (Bethany House, 1981) than to cope with this crisis!" This thought repeatedly penetrated my semi-conscious mind during a sleepless and worrisome night. I had spent the previous afternoon with a woman who was considering two alternatives to continuing her intolerable marriage--death or divorce. I had tried to help her see that neither alternative was a good solution or godly choice.
I had listened, asked questions, offered biblical counsel, and prayed for reconciliation. But neither my good counsel nor my prayers kept her from filing for divorce.
In the weeks and months that followed, I spent time counseling both the husband and wife. On one hand, I was seeking to hold them accountable to their wedding vows. On the other hand, I was seeking to shepherd them through a personal crisis.
Yes, it was easier to write the book. But the book, I believe, was necessary. As Christians, we must examine carefully what the Bible teaches regarding marriage and divorce. Yet there is a time to move beyond the debate concerning the meaning of the exception clause (Matt. 19:9) and whether the Bible allows for remarriage following divorce.
As pastors and spiritual leaders, we must also assure struggling couples of our love and acceptance even when they choose to disregard our counsel. In spite of our best efforts at helping preserve marriage, there will be those who decide to end their relationship. Let's consider how we might help those who are in the midst of this struggle.
“In spite of our best efforts at helping preserve marriage, there will be those who decide to end their relationship. Let’s consider how we might help those who are in the midst of this struggle.”
Provide loving accountability. One of the most devastating aspects of divorce is the sense of abandonment felt by those going through the experience. As Christians, we cannot abandon our brothers and sisters when their marriages are disintegrating. Loving accountability is based on Jesus’ teaching in Matt. 18:15-18. Jesus taught that we should not ignore sin and failure in the life of a brother or sister. We should go to that person, lovingly correct the error, and encourage a change of heart. We should say, "I believe what your actions will produce more damage than good. I urge you to reconsider your decision to pursue a divorce. But whatever you decide, I'll not abandon you. I will remain your friend."
Provide biblical teaching. Many people considering divorce have never read the major biblical passages on marriage and divorce (Gen. 2:24; Deut. 24:1-4; Mal. 3:10-15; Matt. 5:31-32, 19:1-12; Mark 10:1-12; Eph. 5:31-33). In some cases, simply reading the biblical passages will encourage an unhappy partner to work toward preserving the marriage.
Provide research data. It is sometimes argued that children are not adversely affected by divorce and that ending a marriage is better for them than an unhappy family life. But published research does not bear this out. Those considering divorce should be informed of the facts concerning the pain and trauma children experience when their parents go through a divorce.
Pray for those involved. Prayer is a mighty instrument for intervention in the lives of those touched by divorce. Pray for the spouse who has initiated the divorce. Pray that he or she would be willing to forgive and consider a fresh start. Pray for the unwilling partner to divorce. Pray that God would subdue their anger and instill in their hearts a strong desire to make amends and work toward reconciliation. Pray that God would protect the children from the devastating consequences of divorce. Pray that the children would be resilient and not embittered.
Provide emotional support. When Jan and her husband were divorced, she felt very much alone and isolated. "I'm the only one," she thought. But she was referred to a support group where she met other women who knew what she was going through. These women provided emotional support and encouragement during her adjustment to being divorced. Children need emotional support too. Less than 10 percent of the children of divorce get help after their parents’ divorce. Churches might explore how to provide encouragement and support to those recently divorced.
Provide material support. Many divided families struggle financially. Sharon was to receive $900 a month for child support, but her former husband rarely sent the check. Unable to pay her rent, Sharon and her children were evicted or forced to move 13 times in two years. On one occasion, there was no place to go for the night but to a Salvation Army shelter. Churches should regard a divorced or abandoned spouse in the same way as they regard a destitute widow. Emergency needs, such as grocery or rent money, could be met through a church compassion fund.
Provide "Substitute" Uncle. One study found that 50 percent of the children of divorce had not seen their fathers in the past year. Only 16 percent saw their fathers regularly. Churches may consider developing a program for children of divorce which would provide them with a "substitute uncle." Such a program would need careful supervision, but has the possibility of providing a male role model for children who rarely see their father.
Mending Broken Vessels
The land of Israel is littered with broken pottery from cups, oil lamps and cooking pots which were used in antiquity. When a vessel broke, it was tossed aside and replaced with a new one. But in God’s economy, a broken vessel need not be cast away. In the hands of a skilled and patient craftsman, a shattered vessel can be mended.
Divorce is a life-shattering experience. But God is in the mending business. His grace is sufficient to heal the hurts of the rejected spouse and neglected children.
“Divorce is a life-shattering experience. But God is in the mending business. ”
The ministry of the New Covenant provides a basis for new beginnings (2 Cor. 5:17). May we as God's people join Him in helping the divorced experience personal and spiritual renewal. Through prayer, emotional support, and active intervention, the church can serve as God's agent in mending lives damaged or broken by divorce.
