Let’s Hang Out: The Value of Informal Community for the Postmodern Church

Have you heard that we’re lonelier than ever? I’ll hazard this is not news to you. If you’re in any form of Christian leadership, I’ll bet real American dollars on it. There was the recent American Psychiatric Association poll that declared “One in Three Americans Feels Lonely Every Week,” plus the World Health Organization’s estimation that one in four adults experiences social isolation. I’m sure you’ve also heard how the U.S. Surgeon General has equated the mortality impact of loneliness to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. This issue is widespread, severe, and distinctly theological; as the poet John Milton pointed out in his 1645 treatise on marriage, “loneliness was the first thing that God’s eye named not good.” It should come as no surprise, then, that the solution to loneliness today is the same one provided by the Lord in Genesis 2:18: community.

But what sort of community is best suited to tackle this epidemic? Are we better served by the formal variety—programs, events, and institutional structures? Or does this moment call for something more informal—coffee catch-ups, playgroups, and dinner parties? Put another way, is there any use to another conference if we have no one to sit with? I think not. I think what the world needs, and what the Church has to offer, is a friend. Intentional, genuine, resilient friendship—the kind of friendship believers know in Jesus—is the most effective solution for the problem of loneliness in the postmodern era. Allow me to make my case.

Before discussing solutions, we must be sure we understand the problem. Theologian, pastor, and student of social disconnection Simon Gibbes describes loneliness as “the pain one feels from the deficiency in the quality of relationships a person has, rather than the quantity or frequency of social contact.” While this experience may seem timeless and universal, it wasn’t until the 1950s that social scientists, observing the effects of an extended period of rapid social change, began to seriously discuss the phenomenon. This sense of disconnect has only increased over time. In a 2020 study done by the insurance provider Cigna, the majority of respondents reported feeling “like no one knows them well,” that “people are around them but not with them,” and that they find themselves “sometimes or always feeling alone.”

“Intentional, genuine, resilient friendship—the kind of friendship believers know in Jesus—is the most effective solution for the problem of loneliness in the postmodern era. ”

It does bear mentioning that we don’t merely feel more alone than we used to, we actually are alone more often than before. In his book Bowling Alone, Robert D. Putnam explains how we have “been pulled apart from one another and from our communities” in the last third of the 20th century. The postmodern lack of “joining” initiative he describes has affected both secular and religious spaces; according to polls cited by the Surgeon General in a 2023 report, only 47% of Americans reported belonging to a church, synagogue, or mosque in 2020, down from 70% in 1999. Looking at that data, the solution may seem clear: feeling disconnected? Just go back to church, you heathen!

The thing is, the issue of loneliness also exists in the Church. In fact, according to one study, it’s much worse. Sarah Mettes, a behavioral scientist and researcher who has done work on loneliness in Christian communities, found that churchgoers actually felt lonely “slightly more often than those who didn’t go to church.” So we feel lonely when we aren’t connected to formal community, but we often feel even more lonely when we are. Great.

Now what?

We tend to run to programs and policies when issues like this arise, but perhaps we need to stop playing zone and start playing man-to-man. While the Surgeon General describes several formal solutions in his report, he also expresses a conviction that “our individual relationships are an untapped resource—a source of healing hiding in plain sight.” It seems we know that too: in a 2024 study done by Harvard, the majority of respondents saw individuals as part of the solution to loneliness. We know we need friendship—to have friends and to be a friend.

Still, are formal strategies to solve this issue really so bad? Maybe not, but they also don’t seem to be working. For one, events put the onus of connection on those attending. The problem is that chronic symptoms of loneliness have a detrimental effect on mental health, making extending oneself toward others feel like an impossible task. In addition to navigating this emotional weight, people have widely reported simply not knowing how to take the first steps toward connection. For these reasons—and probably others—we may build it, but the ones who need it most simply won’t come. Or, if they do, they’ll cry in their car on the way home feeling more hopeless about finding connection than they did before. (If you think that sounds like a personal example, well-spotted. It is!)

If we want to make headway with this problem, perhaps we need to stop thinking as leaders guiding organizations and start thinking as Christ-followers committed to embodying Jesus in our everyday lives. I’m not suggesting we be everyone’s best friend; that would be impossible. What I am saying is that imitating Christ’s availability to and intentionality with the people in front of him is just as if not more important than heading a robust outreach program. A room full of people who don’t even know you’re there does no one any good, but a room with just one person in it, delighted to see you, can heal a soul. I suspect we’ll find that making the person in front of us feel seen and cared for is the first step in weaving all of humanity back together.

What I have described above may sound like a tall order, but I am convinced that it is the only way we will move the needle on the chronic loneliness of this age. Furthermore, I am convinced that the Church is uniquely positioned to tackle this problem; we are, after all, being individually and collectively transformed into the likeness of the truest friend there has ever been or will ever be (Gal. 2:20; cf. John 15:13). Intentional, genuine, resilient friendship is a gift the Christian gives the world by the power of the Holy Spirit, and the world desperately needs a friend. Let’s meet this moment. Let’s be a people of invitation. Let’s hang out.